A Moving Love..

He houses love in it’s most authentic state…giving all of himself consistently. Sometimes I wonder how he never manages to run out of “self” to give. I always believed that productive love needs to be fed it’s own energy by another source in order to survive. I know I don’t replenish him the way he must need to be replenished, as my love is a moving love. His love is stagnant. Sitting comfortably in his core… Ever present, unmoved and unchanging. I am often overwhelmed by it.

I fear that it’s nature beneath it’s surface is conditional. I worry that if I remain unable to return the love that he gives, that he will become bitter and scarred. That his soul will collapse and he will only hold half of his ability to give this sort of love. I am scared that he will become fractured in the way that everyone else seems to be. Cold in his approach… pessimism lacing his outlook… his eyes stubbornly distrusting. I fear that he one day will live as a soul non-receptive to the very stagnant love he once embodied.
I feel useless in my moving love. My love was once stagnant. I gave of myself the best way that I knew how at the time. I truly thought I would be his wife. As time progressed I continued to see the world from the view of my love. When the seasons changed and our experiences increased, I grew unhappy, unsettled. My love sprouted legs and began to move forward. Stagnant love doesn’t do this. However, when partnered with “self love”…
The status of our relationship changed as we grew. We did not could not undo the love we had for one another. Nor could we change the nature of it. His love remained stagnant as mine continued to move. I have felt no greater shame…How could I love myself more than I loved him. How could I want a lifestyle or future that was not conducive to his personality? How could I be who I am…when he needed me to be who I was? …Could this mean that I never truly loved him at all? I tried to make myself believe it, only for a moment. But that was the worst lie I could ever bring myself to believe. I instead decided to exist in my truth…as painful as it was. It still is.
My love runs like water. It is the very wave, waterfall, and storm of our present friendship. I have been guilt ridden.
I want to stand still for him…
Make myself into someone I will never be again…
Want to replenish him…
But since I can only love him with a moving love..I will pray for his future union…I know that the universe will send her. The woman who’s meant to restore him. I wish that I was for him.

10 thoughts on “A Moving Love..

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