How To Smack Yourself (Staying Motivated)

Sometimes you just have to slap yourself in the face. Why? …Well whatever do you mean why? Because “yourself” is annoying. Sometimes you have to put yourself back in their proper place before they go running rampant spreading mediocrity all over the place. The thing is, nobody has time for that. Especially when you have dreams, deadlines, and other things to conquer. Oh…you don’t know how to smack yourself in the face? Oh no, no. Don’t fret. I can walk you through the process easily. Actually, I had to slap myself in the face just today.

There are a few ways one can accomplish this:

 

1. Productivity Smack:

This is my favorite. What happens is yourself will start nagging you. Sometimes they try to do it first thing in the morning. The sneaky bastard knows your most vulnerable then. They were right next to you watching you watch Game Of Thrones until 4 in the morning knowing good and well that you planned to get up at 7. They also made you eat ice cream…and popcorn…and get up at 2am to go to McDonalds for a sweet tea. (Diet…what diet?) 

Scenario One

Your Monotonous Life:

Your alarm has just gone off at 6:59am. You instinctively roll over and attack the snooze button.

Yourself: This pillow…Is this the pillow of God? God himself must have crafted this pillow of clouds and ecstasy with the same creative genuis he designed bacon with. Oh dreamy bacon pillow…Let us run away together into the forests of dreams…never to return.

You: mmm…bacon…dreams.

You then proceed to disable your alarm and waste your entire day on sleep, and then later more Game Of Thrones. (You already wasted the majority of the day right?) Good job. No really…way to grab life by the horns.

 

Scenario Two

Applying Productivity Smack:

Your alarm has just gone off at 6:59am. You instinctively roll over and attack the snooze button.

Yourself: Is this the pillow of G-

You: If you say another word not only will I get up in five minutes instead of the normal ten, but I will go for a two mile run.

Yourself: Whoa there buddy boy, why so snappy? You must need some extra slee-

Roll yourself out of bed, haul ass to the bathroom, cut on the shower, and hop in before the water has a chance to get hot.

Yourself: NOOOOOOO!!! *melts into the back of your mind*

You stand directly under the water and grin.

 

The steps of the productivity smack are quite simple.

1. Make a threat
2. Prove you mean business

It is very important that you complete steps 1 and 2 in less than 32 seconds time. If one waits any longer, the chance you will weaken your stance is increased 99.99999%. When this occurs, you fall back into your monotonous life. (See scenario One)

However, after successfully applying the productivity smack you will have shunned yourself from the remainder of the morning, and you could then begin your day of productivity basking in the glow of your first accomplishment. Defeating yourself. Let the maniacal laughter commence!

 

2. Smack of Reasoning:

This is the smack you apply to yourself when you have been fairly productive for a week or so, and then yourself decides they’d try their hand at say, fucking it all up for you. Let us explore the scenario.

Scenario One: Your Monotonous Life

You are out at dinner and instead of deciding on what to order, you decided to run your mouth instead. Now everyone is ready to place their order except for you. The waiter is going around the table and you don’t want to be the jerk who’s never ready.

Yourself: Um…The hell you so jumpy for? We are clearly getting chilli fries…silly goose.

You: Well the thing is, um…I thought that maybe today I could have a salad.

Yourself: Salad is for stick figures. Stop trying to be sickly and get the fries. YOLO!

You: I’m not trying to be a stick figure, I am just trying to be healthier…I thought we discussed this.

Yourself: Um…no we didn’t. You just did a bunch of crying and goal setting. Stop trying to be something your not.

Waiter: Ma’am, what will you be having this evening?

You: I um..I’ll take an order of family sized chilli fries, extra sour cream and cheese please…I plan on eating my feelings.

What has happened here is um…well you had no will power. Consequently you probably consumed 6 pounds of food at that very table in front of all of your girlfriends. You lost confidence and found a few thousand calories almost simultaneously. You allowed yourself to get to you. Unfortunately for you tonight is probably the night your boyfriend will show up with flowers and all your favorite movies. Too bad you’ll be nauseous, gassy, and sobbing. Face it. It’s just your luck. Let’s just hope he already loves you.

 

Scenario Two: Applying smack of reasoning

You are out at dinner and instead of deciding on what to order, you decided to run your mouth instead. Now everyone is ready to place their order except for you. The waiter is going around the table and you don’t want to be the jerk who’s never ready.

Yourself: Um…The hell you so jumpy for? We are clearly getting chilli fries…silly goose.

You: The thing is, I just don’t want to look like you did last summer. I think I’d like to pull off a two piece suit this year. You clearly wouldn’t know how to make that happen. Just relax, I’ll take care of this.

Yourself: *Remembers the unfortunate one piece of last summer and waddles out of the front of your mind*

Waiter: Ma’am, what will you be having this evening?

You: I’ll have a garden salad with a cup of clam chowder and umm…I’ll have some water with lemon as well.

In scenario number two you have dismissed yourself and as a result, you were able to stick to the goal that you set. Applying the smack of reasoning is a little more complex than applying the productivity smack. Applying the smack of reasoning successfully means hitting yourself where it hurts, however one must learn the proper balance. Due to the nature of this specific smack, it is important that you learn the line between “tearing down your self esteem” and “politely reminding yourself that those old thought patterns don’t normally benefit you” which is why you’ve set these goals in the first place.

Now look at you, your eating salad which honestly isn’t that great. But it’s okay because your chasing it with clam chowder which is surprisingly flavorful and filling. Your on your way to a sexier summer!

 

3. The Literal Smack:

This is the smack that you apply to yourself when you literally start going crazy.

Scenario One: Your Monotonous Life

You accidentally schedule three interviews for one day, your research paper is due tomorrow, and although you’ve written the last paragraph of your novel 20 different times you still think it sucks.

Yourself: I don’t even know why your trying to do all this anyway. Maybe your too disorganized to be job hunting right now, maybe you prioritize too poorly to be trying to pursue school, and let’s face it: you’re not a writer.

You: *you call and cancel all three of your interviews, drop out of that particular course online, and delete your entire manuscript for your novel…then you lay down in your room and stare at the ceiling.*

Yourself: Don’t sweat it, those goals weren’t realistic anyway. You had too much on your plate. So uhh how’s bout we go get some ice cream and watch Game Of Thrones eh?

 

The issue here: You. Gave. Up.

The bigger issue: You will never be what more than what you are right now since you’ve stopped trying.

 

Scenario Two: Applying the Literal Smack

You accidentally schedule three interviews for one day, your research paper is due tomorrow, and although you’ve written the last paragraph of your novel 20 different times you still think it sucks.

Yourself: I don’t even know why your trying to do all this anyway. Maybe your too disorganized to be job hunting right now, maybe you prioritize too poorly to be trying to pursue school, and let’s face it: you’re not a writer.

You: *Calmly get up and walk to the bathroom, place one hand under cold water, look at yourself in the mirror, open hand, and smack yourself across the face as hard as you can. You then go to your room and go to sleep.*

Yourself: *Speechless*

 

The key idea to keep in mind here is that the literal smack is not intended to cause pain, it’s intended to stop your thoughts long enough for you to get some rest. When things get this stressful, negativity is sure to follow. In my personal experience, I’ve found that it takes energy to deal with negativity properly. Once you feel rested, get up and attack your life! You can then make it to all three interviews on time, outline your research paper and write it throughout the day, and take a break from your novel for a while until inspiration hits again. Why? Because under all your insecurity, routines of mediocrity, and doubt, your also superhuman.

You can be as accomplished as you want to be and as awesome as you work to be. It’s just important that we learn to smack ourselves in the face when we need it. We need to discipline ourselves long enough and consistently enough for the results to start showing. I can assure you that when they do, “yourself” will join forces with “you” (if that makes sense.)
So go on and smack yourself when you need it since you know how. (I’d limit the “literal smack” to once per lifetime…because your a genius and don’t need to result to that)

Go forth my brethren, and win at life!!!

=)

6 thoughts on “How To Smack Yourself (Staying Motivated)

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